Daddy, Dearest

Our journey through fostering and adoption

Before the Parade Marches By…

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So this was yesterday at the Pride Parade:
BEFORE it started:
10yo: “I hate parades. Parades are boring!”
Me: “You said you wanted to go.”
10yo: “I didn’t know it was a parade!”
Me: “What part of ‘Pride Parade’ did you not understand?”
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AFTER it starts and all the freebies (candy, frisbees, hats, etc) start coming:
10yo: “This is the best! I want to do this every year!”

I should add, the kids went bonkers clamoring for anything free being handed out. It only became a problem when they started handing out free condoms. I had to intervene at that point!

Slap my Forehead!

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You get the funniest questions when you have the youngest two, ages 8 and 9, together. This morning proved no exception:

8yo: “Does your penis grow bigger every birthday?”
(I’m not sure if he was fearful or hopeful…)

As if that wasn’t one for the books, the next one proved a real stumper:
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9yo: “What’s that holiday we celebrate when women are pregnant?”
Me: “I don’t think there’s a…”
8yo: “Labor day!”

It wouldn’t be so funny if they weren’t so dead serious!

And Two Plus Two is Five!

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I’ve been worried about the 13 year old’s grades this year–especially math. I’m of the opinion that any child who shows in class and truly tries deserves at least a “D”. He’s getting an “F” and I’m not at all happy with this. We are coming up to the end of the year and I knew he had a big math test.

Me: So did you do well on your math test?
13yo: Yeah…I think I did great!
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13yo: Yeah…I got 9 out of 8 right.
Me: 9 out of 8? No wonder you have problems with math!

Remember When…

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So the 13 year old is talking about a neighbor boy with whom he plays one of those card games and, apparently, Lego:

13yo: “He has a Lego judge. You know…with the white hair and red robe.”
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Mais, Oui!

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So I bring Little Caesar’s home for the boys. They’re thrilled, of course. The little 8 year old comes up and says, “Jeffrey, I love you!” He then grabs my face, and kisses my left cheek and then my right, and says, “There…I gave you a French kiss.”

One of the other boys said, “That’s not a French kiss! A French kiss is when…”
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There’s something to be said about timing.

Was that Hi-C?

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My 9 year old just got out of the shower and comes up to me.

9yo: “My underwear has blood in it.”
Me: “What?”
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Me: “Why? Did you get hurt?”
9yo: “I don’t think so…” (looking through the underwear) “See…here it is!”
Me: “Huh… looks like you spilled the fruit punch again!”

USPS, Here I Come!

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So the 8 year old comes up to me this morning.
8yo: “Jeffrey…do you have extra stamps I can have?”
Me: “Why?”
8yo: “Cuz I want some.”
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8yo: (raising eyebrows as high as he can) “Cuz they’re STAMPS!”

You Got Ants in the Pants?

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So today, I’m outside spraying down some weeds. My 8 year old and the neighbor (10 years old) are keeping me company.
10yo: “So what are you doing?”
Me: “Killing some weeds.”
8yo: “The poor ants…they’re gonna get killed.”
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8yo: “Wow. She must be going through puberty. She must be tired.”
10yo: “My sister’s going through puberty. She goes through puberty a lot.”

A Gold Star!

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A short quip:

Today, I was coming into the house after work, laden with groceries.
9yo: “Do you need any help?”
Me: “No, I’ve got it.”
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10yo brother: “Why? Was everyone else absent?”

Thud.

Can You Hear the People Sing?

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I’m learning that punishment is a tricky thing. Last night, I made Salisbury steaks and fries for the kids, something I loved as a child. One of the four wanted to put barbecue sauce on it (“I hate gravy!”), one wanted to make a sandwich with Swiss cheese. One can always be counted on to eat without complaints. The fourth? “I don’t like this!” I told him it was like a hamburger patty. “But it’s softer! I don’t like it!” But it’s like a hamburger with gravy. “I don’t like the gravy.” He refused to eat it, so I told him that he had his fries and I wasn’t making anything else.

This morning, I found a half-eaten apple in the boys’ bathroom garbage can, AFTER I emptied the can around bedtime. It was pointed out to me by the oldest, which left three culprits (one very likely). Despite threatening no tv, no remaining birthday cake, no fruit until the culprit came forward, all three were steadfast in their denials. I called them out one by one, saying, “This is your only opportunity to tell the truth.” Still no confession. Hmm…this is why I was an attorney and not a detective, I guess. Ultimately, I called the 9yo out, my usual culprit, and told him I knew he had done it. I’ve pulled this before with him and, despite denial after denial, I’ve had him capitulate. He finally confessed this morning, tearfully saying that “I hate myself for lying and almost getting everyone else in trouble!” Why did he take the apple after we all went to bed? He was hungry because he didn’t eat his Salisbury steak.
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